It's my first time to leave a toxic relationship and I feel like shit
a year ago
I just broke up with my boyfriend. I thought he would be my light during my recovery from my last abusive relationship, but he turned out to be abusive in another way.
I felt like my progress from my previous relationships and my depression was being trampled on. I felt bad everyday. He was unkind, insensitive, and selfish. He made me feel like shit because he kept on checking out other girls in front of me, criticizing things he knew applied to me (eg. he knew I wanted to get a PhD in materials engineering, and he made fun of people who "wasted" their life getting a PhD instead of making money, told his sister never to date people from a poor background and a bad family, which both described me, etc.). He didn't value my time and insisted his was more important so he won't help out with housework even though I was busy as well. Do you know how when you look at the mirror there's a voice that tells you all your imperfections and flaws? He was that voice. I could go on...
But I really love him. I used to have sleeping problems but I rarely had trouble when I was with him. He was smart. He was funny. He pushed me to do better (sometimes a bit too much though, to the point of anxiety). I loved his hugs. When he wasn't a dick we were okay.
I don't know what to feel. I'm supposed to feel relieved because I felt like shit everyday for so long. I sacrificed so much for him and got denigration and abuse, but why do I feel bad for leaving him?
I just want to feel better. I can't sleep. I miss him. But I know I shouldn't go back. But what if he changes? Am I bad for giving up?
I can't tell my friends what I'm feeling because I I'm regretting leaving him because I've already alienated them somewhat for staying with him and defending him.
Someone help me please