I'm in Love with my Best Friend

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2 months ago

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This is hardly unique I'm sure, but I'm hopelessly in love with my best friend. I spent the last year or so coming to terms with my feelings, and it inspired a good deal of personal growth: I realised I was bisexual, I came out to (most) of my family (which was received very well), and even went on my first ever date with a guy to try get my mind off of my best friend. But still, all I can think about is him. He says he's straight, and I shouldn't doubt what he says but over the years I feel like he's let slip some hints otherwise, especially when drunk. And this is where I get especially tangled up: despite suspecting that he maybe reciprocates my feelings, I just get too nervous to ever try admit them. I don't know if I'm more scared of getting rejected (I've only really put myself out there once, and rejection still carries a sting for me), or of starting a relationship. I'm scared of losing my best friend to awkwardness, or worse, dating and ending poorly, and losing him forever. And even if it works out, I'm worried about how it'll change the dynamics with our friend group. And I wonder if I'm just coming up with excuses to avoid putting myself out there and risking getting hurt, or if my concerns are legitimate and admitting my feelings would just be selfish on my end. I'd like to think that if I just leave it the feelings will fade, but it's killing me in the meantime. I love him, and I want desperately to tell him, but I'm scared to death for every reason I can think of (and some more I probably haven't thought of yet). Thank you to anyone who took the time to read that, it feels good just to put this down somewhere.


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