I don't think I'll ever truly love my mother

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4 months ago

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Don't get me wrong i wouldn't want anything to happen to my mom but i also don't mind going years without speaking. See ever since i was young we never had a good relationship. She constantly sat by and let other people degrade and abuse me if she wasn't doing it herself. By the time i was 4 years old my grandmother (her mom) had already taken a disliking to me and would sit me down just to tell me how fat and ugly I was and how no man would want me (at FOUR YEARS OLD). when I'd go back and tell my mom she would just reply that i am on the heavy side and to limit how much i eat. Throughout my childhood she let my grandmother continue to abuse me whether it was beating me until i was covered with welts and black bruises or just being plain mean to me. She let my drug addict uncle literally drag me by my arms if i walked too slowly. My weight was the topic of every conversation (i wasn't even fat). She let my grandmother shove me into a bathtub and beat me before school. Everyone in my family has brown skin but I'm mixed with white so my skin is more tan and she would allow my relatives to call me "pissy skin". In highschool she left me and my younger brother with my abusive grandmother for a month and she beat us and mentally degraded us the entire time. She even sided with my grandmother and agreed we should leave the house while she was gone and my grandmother stays (she didn't live with us and never has). A few months later i survived a school shooting that killed 2 of my friends. It was a murder suicide so you can already imagine the complete and utter chaos that brought for a confused little 16 year old me. I remember all the parents being so relieved that their kids were ok and when i called my own mother sobbing she just told me to walk home because she was at work. Later that night we were watching the news about what happened and she randomly mentioned how it was my fault and that she's disappointed in me for letting it happen. I suffer from pretty bad ptsd from the shooting and just abuse in general that i have to pretend isn't there and even though I've tried to talk to her about my mental health she just doesn't care. It seems that she sided with the rest of the family not liking me and has never really supported me. There's a plethora of other things that happened like her refusing to seek medical care for me and now i suffer chronic illness, her buying new clothes and getting her hair done while her kids had no food in the house, or even just something as simple as her not visiting me at college and expecting me to pay to come down to see her every weekend. Idk. This is kind of a trauma thing and probably just me suppressing a lot that happened but i genuinely can't remember much from between the ages of 4-16. I just know it wasn't good stuff because even thinking about my childhood causes me to feel dizzy and like im trapped in her care again. Almost like suffocating. Idk how a "good mother" is or how it feels to have one but i think i have been grieving the loss of one i never had for a long time. With that being said, i dont think i can ever learn to love my mother but i do wish the best for her and that she is able to love someone else someday.


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