Losing weight is hard.


a year ago

20 19 0 325

Please keep in mind I have been fat all my life. I am 5’3ish and My lowest weight was 135 lbs. My highest is 172. I gained so much because of 1) Sad/Binge eating 2) Relationship weight is a thing 3) I just ate too much junk I decided to lose weight because already I felt like a fat whale and I was pushing closer and closer to 200 lbs. I also felt so uncomfortable being intimate with my S/O because how dare I show my hideous fat body to him. I have had big girls tell me “you’re not even fat, you’re ‘thicc’ and I’m jealous of your body shape”, but that never made me feel good. Just because you think I’m not fat doesn’t mean I don’t feel that way about myself. Even my own boyfriend does it to me when I say I feel fat, saying I’m just chubby and “thicc”. No, I’m not thicc, I do not have a shape. I don’t have a nice hourglass figure with chunk in all the right places. No, I am not chubby because my pooch is way too big and it’s so hard to find clothes that fit me (big ass, hips, thighs & legs, very small chest like I have 0 cleavage, my tummy looks like I’m pregnant especially). So I decided to lose weight, and I knew it was going to be horrible. My family eats like absolute shit (buying the local grocery store’s fried chicken, buying only red meats and junk food). I also get accused of having an ED because I now choose eat significantly less and not past 10 pm. (I even cut off eating my weakness, which are chips. Hhh chips). I can’t even work out in peace because when my family walks in, they start yelling “what are you doing” like I’m doing something wrong and bad (theyre painfully strict and I absolutely have no privacy though I am in my 20’s). Thankfully I lost 5 lbs, but gained 2 lbs thx to my period. Right now I’m just crying because tonight my uncle accused me of being gross (by gross I mean beating my meat) since he heard me breathing hard doing cardio. I told me “you better not be doing anything nasty and keep this door open.” Maybe it was because I felt like I was 18 again and being accused of being super sexually active (when teehee I consider myself to be kinda meh about sex) and disgusting human being and just remembering the abuse I experienced back then from my family, but I cried and couldn’t continue my work out. I really lost any motivation to continue my weight loss right then and there. I don’t have support from them with this weight loss journey since I’ve been accused of having an ED since I was 16 years old and force fed so many times. I hope I get the motivation back, but for now I’m gonna wait for my period to end (which will be on Wednesday) so I hope I feel better by then because I want to lose the weight. I’m tired of clothes feeling too tight or of my ugly squishy tummy and how my butt reminds me of cottage cheese because thx cellulite.


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