Things have been rocky for a couple of weeks. I found out he’d been lying about some big stuff, and it really hurt me 1) that he’d do it and 2) that he could live with himself for lying to me about it. He’s also lied about some more minor things lately, which would normally not really bug me, but now the fact that it’s a lie about anything really gets me upset.
To add insult to injury, a bunch of our chickens and ducks have been killed by a wild animal getting into their pen recently. To have what we worked so hard on die feels terrible and honestly, a little symbolic of everything going on with us.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him more than anything and all I want to do is be with him, but a big part of me worries that if this is already happening in our first year of marriage, he’s gonna be doing worse ten years down when he’s even more sick of me than he is now.
I miss when he wasn’t sick to death of me. I miss when he thought everything was magic. I miss when this was what he wanted. I miss not being second-best to his idealized version of the past. I miss being his first choice. I miss being his friend. I miss knowing I’m wanted without having to question it. I miss not questioning him. I miss not being sad.
I’m crying now so I’m done with this haha. Thanks for reading this mess.