I think I tried to have my brother touch my penis around 3 or 4 years ago and the shame is killing me
5 months ago
For the last 2 years this "memory" has been popping up in my mind from time to time and it makes me feel incredibly shameful and disgusting.
I would be around 12 or 13 and I remember laying in my bed facing the open door while I was playing with my penis, my brother (then 10 years old) passed by and I asked him if he had to do this kind of thing too (pulling back his foreskin, something the doctor told him to do because he had phimosis back then and i knew this as I had to do this too around his age) and told him I had to the same, but that i preferred doing it in othe way (faster, which would technically be masturbating) and told him to do it for me as I "was really tired". Luckily he denied doing such a thing and we both continued with on our night and I didnt give it much thought, and i dont remember anything else from that day.
About a year later (14 years old) this started periodically popping up in my thoughts , even to this day (I'm now 16) and everytime it does I feel absolutely disgusting and ashamed.
Sometimes I even doubt if this ever happened and wonder if it was all just a really intense dream, since im in denial about ever doing such a horrible thing, I dont want it to be real, I dont want to believe I am such a fucked up kid and horrible person to ever be able to do that.
But what worries me the most is: What if it DID happen, what if I did try to do that at that age? If it did, would he remember any of this?
I feel so disgusting, so vile, so much of a shameful monster every time this pops up in my thoughts, I know if it happened I probably didn't know any better back then and didnt quite comprehend how wrong this all was, but I still cant get this disgusting "memory" out of my head, and feeling bad about it. Am I a monster?