I am around 5 months clean from cutting and I don’t know if I can keep up much longer.
5 months ago
I know that when I get sad, it’s something I have to get over eventually. But recently I realized that my friends of 4-5 years have been intentionally leaving me behind, not inviting me and counting me out. I cried upon finding this out, at the birthday party of a friend in our circle. Another friend talked me down and I told her it was fine, that I understood, and that I didn’t know why I burst into tears so suddenly. The rest of my friends avoided me the whole night, maybe because the crying was embarrassing.
Before this, I have been at my best state mentally. I was the happiest and the most productive. Bad things happened here and there, but I was at peace enough not to let those things bother me.
Strange how one occurrence, one night at a party, is enough to tip it all off. Suddenly it all bothers me. I was bothered again by how I was friendless at my current school for 2 years (different from the schools of my aforementioned friends). No one to walk with home. No one to go to school with. No one to eat lunch with or talk to during break time. No one wants to hang out with me for longer than 5 minutes. I am suddenly distraught by thoughts of self doubt again. Was it my economic status? (Those friends are very rich, even the previously mentioned birthday party was covered in a news article. I can’t even afford going to a good private university.) Was it because I did not go to a top school? Am I too much? Am I not enough? I am slowly coming to an acceptance, that maybe I cannot be to them how they are to me, but it is just sad. I don’t think I have anyone else.
I feel like my lack of peer support is contributing to the detriment of my mental health. It is lonely, both at school and at home. Anywhere I go in my free time, I am always alone. It has been this way ever since I’ve entered my current school. (This is why my old friends mattered so much to me even though we hung out periodically — they were reminders that I can still fare well socially.) The fact that this involuntary loneliness is something I am expected to anticipate during my soon adult life is disheartening. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life alone. I look okay physically, and I am a real sunny person. I tried for a significant other but that person mentioned how I didn’t have friends, and that probably tipped him off. It didn’t work out in the end.
I can be okay. I know I can prevent entertaining thoughts of self harm and bulk buying sleeping pills again, but there is no one around to stop me or tell me that I do not have to feel this way. I know that strangers on the internet, possibly you, the one reading this, will perhaps try to do that. But it will feel like pity, or a cope, or plain nothing. I don’t need words. I just want to hang out at a friend’s house and talk about the weekend.